This feeling still gets to me, even if each time it is only a fleeting moment. No matter how fast I sprint (not literally), I just can't seem to catch up with everyone. It makes me believe that two persons can be at the same pace but not everyone. It is true, not everyone will stop for you. Friends who don't stop for you are still your friends, but you got to accept it, we are running at different speeds. I don't know when's the last time I feel this scared. I am very scared.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
This are insecurities dear. and they are harmful if not treated well.
ReplyDeletechill... c'est la vie
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