Dear Mr. Yeo
I am typing this letter because... I don't know. Two weeks ago I randomly picked up a book from a pile at Popular and kind of instantaneously bought it because it was in the form of letters. I really, really love to read letters so I thought a novel that came in the form of letters would be interesting. Like Cecelia Ahern's Where Rainbows End. I love that book so much. Anyway this book that I got two weeks ago, I finished it just now and I think I haven't enjoyed a novel this much in a while. The title is Love Letters to the Dead. I don't know why it is "love" letters for the letters that the protagonist writes are not exactly romantic contents. They are merely letters that tell her story. And after reading it I thought maybe writing a letter that will be unanswered can help me hear my own voice. I don't know. Maybe I just need an avenue.
The protagonist writes to many people. Of whom include celebrities and poets. They are all the dead, and she doesn't know them personally. I choose to write to you because firstly, I think it wouldn't make sense for me to write to people whom I do not know on a personal level because I find it hard to share my innermost feelings. Secondly I haven't really experienced losing dear ones except you. I mean, we haven't been that close. But there is no doubt about you being one of my most respected and idolised teachers. I miss the small talks over meals. And your almost weekly joke posts on Facebook. Even till today, I still shiver at the thought of you sent into the cremator. That day my face was so wet with tears. It was probably the time I cried the hardest in my whole life. I even wondered where I had that much tears to cry. And I do miss you. We all do.
That was September. Greenday's song couldn't be more apt, I thought earlier this year. That month I heard about the demises of five people. My student. YY's grandpa. F's father (I cried too). The uncle who watched us grow up. And then it was you. Yours was the hardest to deal with. And from then, I felt I kept losing people and things.
For a while, I was secretly joyful. I thought I had found the right one. To be honest I was bracing myself bit by bit, about to share my world with him. So I mustered all the courage I had and told him the part of me which I could not overcome. The response I had pictured in my head was, "Let me overcome it with you." It didn't turn out that way. He said he was sorry and hoped that I would find someone who would overcome my fear with me. Then he left. Later I found that his heart was already with someone else, even before I had told him anything about myself. I told myself it was okay, I wanted to wish him well. But he turned his back on me and told people I fabricated the story so that I could continue to flirt with him and get his attention. He told my friends I was an attention seeker. That cut me really deep. Why would he say that when he had said no matter what happened, he would be there? I wanted to tell all these to a good friend but somewhere in between I lost her too. And one of my best friends. He didn't give me a single chance to explain myself. He told people I was scheming. He said I thought highly of myself. I really cherished my friendship with him so much you know. And I know that many years from now I probably won't find a friend like him anymore, I won't. So I need to deal with that too. Along the way, I became very skeptical about everyone. Because I didn't know who was trustworthy who wasn't. I had heard for myself how some people spoke about things that were out to upset me, but I feigned ignorance so that things wouldn't turn ugly. I am not playing noble either, I just didn't have the courage to be at war with anyone I had enjoyed talking to and hanging out with. I lost all of them anyway. Willingly, or not.
It's already July. Meaning give it another three months it would be a year. Can you believe it? To me what's sad about this is that I still haven't really got over it. Deep down I know it's because I feel it's unfair and I need to speak up for myself. Then again, who else still cares enough to hear the truth? I only wanted that one person to hear me out with an understanding heart, because he was once so important a friend to me. Yet the way he hurt me, I think I never could face him easily without having to feel stabbed again. In fact, I bumped into him four times. He never saw me but I was glad for that. My friends asked me if it was because of awkwardness. The truth is, no. Awkwardness was hardly an issue for me. But the thought of him saying hi and walking off pained me. We had had so much to say, I couldn't bear the thought of prolonged silence between us.
It was a terrible period. After you passed, I was afraid of losing more. I wonder if anyone would be experienced in losing. That would be scary, isn't it? In December, my world spun quite a bit. I had to cancel the Nepal trip, I thought I was going to die. But the worst thing about emotional or mental torment is that you do not die from it. So signs of depression popped up. When a friend told me those were signs of depression, I was slightly afraid. Because I would rather die than be lunatic and be unable to recognise people. So I tried so hard to be positive. January was good because of AhWU. But the following month went downhill after dengue and all the news about them, from people I trusted wouldn't hurt me. Then came all the travelling and redefining of myself.
I remember the last time I bumped into you was at The Deck. You asked me to treat you to dinner after I got a job. But I never had that chance anymore. Few weeks ago I treated Shimu and your kids to Putien. Hopefully that sort of made it up after all. Your girl loved the food. I'm glad. Because she's reserved and I have been trying to make her open up. Oh, and I know one reason why I could get better was Shimu. I am so thankful for her. She has been in so much pain after losing you but she's so strong. I think she still gets a little teary when we mention you but she's generally optimistic and that gives me a lot of strength. I haven't told her all these but unknowingly, the things she shares with me helps me get by.
I have NOT fully recovered. But I think I am not acting like some hypochondriac anymore. I know, the first portion of this whole thing seems dark and somewhat miserable. Well I wouldn't say I am no longer affected by that issue. There are still songs I can't bring myself to hear, and places I will still avoid. I had my hair chopped in May because he used to say my black tresses suited me. I stopped playing badminton for a while because the brand of my racket was recommended by him. But I resumed shortly. And of course, I threw away all the things I wrote him. But I still keep the postcard I wrote to my best friend. One day when I bump into him again, I will pass it to him.
Today I went singing with ZZR. I sang the old songs which I haven't even hummed for the longest time. They reminded me of Sam. I tried to recall how and how long it took me to get over him. It was a blank. Maybe because you will only know how far you have come when you are on the other side of the river. But after singing when ZZR left me alone to get his sushi, I still panicked. It was scary to be alone in BP. There were risks involved and I am a low risk taker. But yeah, I am learning to be brave.
While it has been pretty arduous, I need to harp that I can't be more thankful for the people who continue to love and support me. I used to think I needed sympathy. But I think I got it wrong and they didn't sympathise with me anyway. They really love and care for me. Even Shimu. I think you made such a wise choice to marry her. She's such a kind person. The way she cares for me even though I am no kin to her really moves me. And your mother too. She cooks for me every Saturday, with so much love.
Thank you. I have lost so much but also gained a lot. Somehow I always think you are bestowing me with strength, or I wouldn't have held on till now. Thank you, really.
I am seeing your girl again tomorrow. Your place is some distance from mine but really, going over is always a joy to me. Do bless them with the strength to pull through difficult times.
And thank you for this bit of strength at this hour. I feel at peace once again at the end of this, in contrast to the mixed feelings at the beginning.
Love
GL
I am typing this letter because... I don't know. Two weeks ago I randomly picked up a book from a pile at Popular and kind of instantaneously bought it because it was in the form of letters. I really, really love to read letters so I thought a novel that came in the form of letters would be interesting. Like Cecelia Ahern's Where Rainbows End. I love that book so much. Anyway this book that I got two weeks ago, I finished it just now and I think I haven't enjoyed a novel this much in a while. The title is Love Letters to the Dead. I don't know why it is "love" letters for the letters that the protagonist writes are not exactly romantic contents. They are merely letters that tell her story. And after reading it I thought maybe writing a letter that will be unanswered can help me hear my own voice. I don't know. Maybe I just need an avenue.
The protagonist writes to many people. Of whom include celebrities and poets. They are all the dead, and she doesn't know them personally. I choose to write to you because firstly, I think it wouldn't make sense for me to write to people whom I do not know on a personal level because I find it hard to share my innermost feelings. Secondly I haven't really experienced losing dear ones except you. I mean, we haven't been that close. But there is no doubt about you being one of my most respected and idolised teachers. I miss the small talks over meals. And your almost weekly joke posts on Facebook. Even till today, I still shiver at the thought of you sent into the cremator. That day my face was so wet with tears. It was probably the time I cried the hardest in my whole life. I even wondered where I had that much tears to cry. And I do miss you. We all do.
That was September. Greenday's song couldn't be more apt, I thought earlier this year. That month I heard about the demises of five people. My student. YY's grandpa. F's father (I cried too). The uncle who watched us grow up. And then it was you. Yours was the hardest to deal with. And from then, I felt I kept losing people and things.
For a while, I was secretly joyful. I thought I had found the right one. To be honest I was bracing myself bit by bit, about to share my world with him. So I mustered all the courage I had and told him the part of me which I could not overcome. The response I had pictured in my head was, "Let me overcome it with you." It didn't turn out that way. He said he was sorry and hoped that I would find someone who would overcome my fear with me. Then he left. Later I found that his heart was already with someone else, even before I had told him anything about myself. I told myself it was okay, I wanted to wish him well. But he turned his back on me and told people I fabricated the story so that I could continue to flirt with him and get his attention. He told my friends I was an attention seeker. That cut me really deep. Why would he say that when he had said no matter what happened, he would be there? I wanted to tell all these to a good friend but somewhere in between I lost her too. And one of my best friends. He didn't give me a single chance to explain myself. He told people I was scheming. He said I thought highly of myself. I really cherished my friendship with him so much you know. And I know that many years from now I probably won't find a friend like him anymore, I won't. So I need to deal with that too. Along the way, I became very skeptical about everyone. Because I didn't know who was trustworthy who wasn't. I had heard for myself how some people spoke about things that were out to upset me, but I feigned ignorance so that things wouldn't turn ugly. I am not playing noble either, I just didn't have the courage to be at war with anyone I had enjoyed talking to and hanging out with. I lost all of them anyway. Willingly, or not.
It's already July. Meaning give it another three months it would be a year. Can you believe it? To me what's sad about this is that I still haven't really got over it. Deep down I know it's because I feel it's unfair and I need to speak up for myself. Then again, who else still cares enough to hear the truth? I only wanted that one person to hear me out with an understanding heart, because he was once so important a friend to me. Yet the way he hurt me, I think I never could face him easily without having to feel stabbed again. In fact, I bumped into him four times. He never saw me but I was glad for that. My friends asked me if it was because of awkwardness. The truth is, no. Awkwardness was hardly an issue for me. But the thought of him saying hi and walking off pained me. We had had so much to say, I couldn't bear the thought of prolonged silence between us.
It was a terrible period. After you passed, I was afraid of losing more. I wonder if anyone would be experienced in losing. That would be scary, isn't it? In December, my world spun quite a bit. I had to cancel the Nepal trip, I thought I was going to die. But the worst thing about emotional or mental torment is that you do not die from it. So signs of depression popped up. When a friend told me those were signs of depression, I was slightly afraid. Because I would rather die than be lunatic and be unable to recognise people. So I tried so hard to be positive. January was good because of AhWU. But the following month went downhill after dengue and all the news about them, from people I trusted wouldn't hurt me. Then came all the travelling and redefining of myself.
I remember the last time I bumped into you was at The Deck. You asked me to treat you to dinner after I got a job. But I never had that chance anymore. Few weeks ago I treated Shimu and your kids to Putien. Hopefully that sort of made it up after all. Your girl loved the food. I'm glad. Because she's reserved and I have been trying to make her open up. Oh, and I know one reason why I could get better was Shimu. I am so thankful for her. She has been in so much pain after losing you but she's so strong. I think she still gets a little teary when we mention you but she's generally optimistic and that gives me a lot of strength. I haven't told her all these but unknowingly, the things she shares with me helps me get by.
I have NOT fully recovered. But I think I am not acting like some hypochondriac anymore. I know, the first portion of this whole thing seems dark and somewhat miserable. Well I wouldn't say I am no longer affected by that issue. There are still songs I can't bring myself to hear, and places I will still avoid. I had my hair chopped in May because he used to say my black tresses suited me. I stopped playing badminton for a while because the brand of my racket was recommended by him. But I resumed shortly. And of course, I threw away all the things I wrote him. But I still keep the postcard I wrote to my best friend. One day when I bump into him again, I will pass it to him.
Today I went singing with ZZR. I sang the old songs which I haven't even hummed for the longest time. They reminded me of Sam. I tried to recall how and how long it took me to get over him. It was a blank. Maybe because you will only know how far you have come when you are on the other side of the river. But after singing when ZZR left me alone to get his sushi, I still panicked. It was scary to be alone in BP. There were risks involved and I am a low risk taker. But yeah, I am learning to be brave.
While it has been pretty arduous, I need to harp that I can't be more thankful for the people who continue to love and support me. I used to think I needed sympathy. But I think I got it wrong and they didn't sympathise with me anyway. They really love and care for me. Even Shimu. I think you made such a wise choice to marry her. She's such a kind person. The way she cares for me even though I am no kin to her really moves me. And your mother too. She cooks for me every Saturday, with so much love.
Thank you. I have lost so much but also gained a lot. Somehow I always think you are bestowing me with strength, or I wouldn't have held on till now. Thank you, really.
I am seeing your girl again tomorrow. Your place is some distance from mine but really, going over is always a joy to me. Do bless them with the strength to pull through difficult times.
And thank you for this bit of strength at this hour. I feel at peace once again at the end of this, in contrast to the mixed feelings at the beginning.
Love
GL
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