unaddressed

Dear Mr. Yeo

I thought I would only address my posts to you when I am feeling helpless and miserable but these days I can hardly let my entries go without having them addressed to you. I have been feeling so insecure I really need something to hold on to. That day I stayed out for five hours including spending two hours at Starbucks and an hour at Kino. I felt slightly better after getting a book. I don't know if it's going to work. I can only try.

Yesterday best friend went climbing with me. I thought I was going to feel extremely drained after the climb but nope, I did fine. But what happened next wasn't too desirable. I had laksa, greentea cheesecake, curry chicken, fried noodles. I kept eating, and kept watching The Ultimate Addiction, because I figured I needed something to keep me occupied. Best friend wrote (actually he typed) me a letter. The last time he wrote me a letter was secondary three I think, on the school foolscap paper. Yesterday in the letter he attached with it the coupon which I gave him as birthday gift a few years back. He wanted to redeem a promise, which was for me to be happy. Honestly I cannot promise that now, but I can only try.

This morning I woke up feeling sore. Partly due to a bad dream, perhaps. My luggage lay in a corner of my room, waiting to be unpacked. But I was so reluctant to even open it, for I was so looking forward to my sightseeing trip this time, thinking it would be my last trip before work starts. In my mind I hurled a string of vulgarities, with no target audience. I got changed and put on my hot air balloon necklace, because the cashier at Guardian that day complimented that it was cute and it kind of made my day. Maybe I really need people to tell me something good about myself because people have been telling me how beautiful this world is but nobody makes me feel I am necessary in this world. Tears came to my eyes just now but I told myself to contain them. I don't know how long more this is going to take but I can only try.

Actually I don't know what still works. Reading, watching dramas or movies, eating, shopping. Nothing makes me better. Dark clouds loomed just now. My only hope was that a storm would come and wash away my anger. Then it didn't. Is it a good thing actually? That I still know how to be angry? Because there was a period I thought I was immune to everything going on.

Whatever, I have tried.

Today I feel like a goner.
Or if there's still anything that I feel like doing, it's eating pizza.

Regards

GL