I could never love the way some people do. While I always thought I could love very selflessly, apparently I couldn't. In this context I am not referring to love as in romantic love but love for the people around us. Looking at the way some people love unconditionally makes me realise how lowly my love for others is. I could never do the same, for I think for myself too much, too often. And so who am I to question you? I had always wanted to grumble that I am like an unimportant appointment that can be postponed infinitely. But I am hardly any different. I can come up with all the excuses possible to avoid making effort. This is when I truly despise myself. Maybe I'm but a sceptical girl who wants to be loved but is unwilling to love first.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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