In the washroom, I told Angie, on a day like this, I feel that my life is complete. Waking up at 7.15a.m. on a Saturday, prepared breakfast and went to the doctor and wet market with my mum, and a long day spent with the full strength clique. A Saturday couldn't be more satisfying. Then I came back to a... war zone again. Each time it happens I try not to get myself emotionally involved. I think about the condo I'm going to buy by the age of 32. I think of my dreams that sometimes sound silly. There are times I do wonder if wanting to move out is my way of running away from problems. But I managed to convince myself that it's not. Everyone seeks peace, or at least at a certain point in life. I'm merely in that pursuit now. To begin with I am not the root of those problems so I can't solve them. But I shall try, in my own way, to seek the happiness I yearn for. On a positive note, I find myself going in that way, even though there may be no end to it. For they (and you) say, "Happiness is not a place, it's a direction."
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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