The late night rain continues sporadically. I appreciate it so much. In fact love that it comes every night. The reason for this earlier acquired affection is back. The routine seems to be resuming. Yet. Yes, yet. Things have changed. Not necessarily for the worse. Perhaps it was never possible to return to the beginning once the journey began. We only build our lives once. You either keep things as they are. Or you rebuild them, everything in a different manner. But don't dream about going back to square one. How is it possible?
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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