It has been a really long while, hasn't it?
In all honesty, I had seen this coming (or maybe subconsciously I had been secretly hoping). But perhaps it has been some time, I kind of forgot about it, that when it came, I was taken aback. I was taken aback, but there was no joy to speak of. None. They say, when you give your all in something and do not get reciprocal results, you will no longer be bothered when the results come after you give up. To me, Wednesdays are days of hope. Today? It was slightly hopeful in the day. I was thinking about the good thoughts. During shower, it suddenly dawned upon me that the issue had unknowingly, already felt so distant. No doubt snippets of it still play in my head every single day, it is merely a matter of duration. I am pretty sure, though, that it gets shorter each day. Unless of course, I walk on an endless path with my headset plugged and listen to all the golden oldies on my player. I used to wonder, if those people I have stopped keeping in touch with appear before me again, would we feign ignorance and begin all over again like strangers? Now I realise that was too much of an imagination. How is that possible? Ha. I always need to come to such point to discover how naive I am. That day, Xi said I did not try hard enough and that I was being obstinate. If she had said that a month earlier, I would probably have jumped and built a defensive wall. But I thank her. I have always thanked her for that strong belief in me, that I would get better in time. And frankly, I have learnt so much from it. To not explain when people stop understanding and believing. To grit my teeth and move on when even the close people judge and demoralise. And that we all fall and pick ourselves up. I cannot picture myself hurting more than before, and of course I pray that I will not. In retrospect, I am a lucky person. No matter how dramatic my life has been the past one decade, I always consider myself a lucky person. That is one reason why I never cry. But my eyes begin to swim in tears when I recall the small episodes in the past eight months. The sharing session with Y on the train and how he got so agitated just hearing me. I was really touched that day. And the uni best friend met me multiple times for dinner to listen to my incessant rants. The bf had to answer my late night calls because I needed to let out before I died from accusations. M would secretly read my posts and keep me away from news I did not want to hear about. Auntie rainbow would sit at Starbucks with me for 4.5 hours and drink soyed latte even though she has never really been a fan of matcha. W would never ask me anything, but him being around has been one of the best things. Watermelon would text me even during office hours. A has been very protective of me, I know, from the way she talks to me about it. And my dearest Z. The two flights she took with me so that I could heal. And the reason why I always derive strength on a Wednesday.
After one big round, there seems to be the possibility of things getting fixed. Give it a second chance, some will say. Instead, I want to give myself a second chance to be strong again. All that we said about not looking back, let's do it.
In all honesty, I had seen this coming (or maybe subconsciously I had been secretly hoping). But perhaps it has been some time, I kind of forgot about it, that when it came, I was taken aback. I was taken aback, but there was no joy to speak of. None. They say, when you give your all in something and do not get reciprocal results, you will no longer be bothered when the results come after you give up. To me, Wednesdays are days of hope. Today? It was slightly hopeful in the day. I was thinking about the good thoughts. During shower, it suddenly dawned upon me that the issue had unknowingly, already felt so distant. No doubt snippets of it still play in my head every single day, it is merely a matter of duration. I am pretty sure, though, that it gets shorter each day. Unless of course, I walk on an endless path with my headset plugged and listen to all the golden oldies on my player. I used to wonder, if those people I have stopped keeping in touch with appear before me again, would we feign ignorance and begin all over again like strangers? Now I realise that was too much of an imagination. How is that possible? Ha. I always need to come to such point to discover how naive I am. That day, Xi said I did not try hard enough and that I was being obstinate. If she had said that a month earlier, I would probably have jumped and built a defensive wall. But I thank her. I have always thanked her for that strong belief in me, that I would get better in time. And frankly, I have learnt so much from it. To not explain when people stop understanding and believing. To grit my teeth and move on when even the close people judge and demoralise. And that we all fall and pick ourselves up. I cannot picture myself hurting more than before, and of course I pray that I will not. In retrospect, I am a lucky person. No matter how dramatic my life has been the past one decade, I always consider myself a lucky person. That is one reason why I never cry. But my eyes begin to swim in tears when I recall the small episodes in the past eight months. The sharing session with Y on the train and how he got so agitated just hearing me. I was really touched that day. And the uni best friend met me multiple times for dinner to listen to my incessant rants. The bf had to answer my late night calls because I needed to let out before I died from accusations. M would secretly read my posts and keep me away from news I did not want to hear about. Auntie rainbow would sit at Starbucks with me for 4.5 hours and drink soyed latte even though she has never really been a fan of matcha. W would never ask me anything, but him being around has been one of the best things. Watermelon would text me even during office hours. A has been very protective of me, I know, from the way she talks to me about it. And my dearest Z. The two flights she took with me so that I could heal. And the reason why I always derive strength on a Wednesday.
After one big round, there seems to be the possibility of things getting fixed. Give it a second chance, some will say. Instead, I want to give myself a second chance to be strong again. All that we said about not looking back, let's do it.
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