I remember over one of the meals I had with chew in March, she looked me in the eyes and said to me very sternly, "You can know a person for a very, very long time but you may not always know what he is thinking, no matter how well and long you know him." Actually I think most of us know that, but perhaps do not really acknowledge it. I have been trying to make sense of things. Of the relationships between different people. But making SENSE is so much of an overestimation. L used to say I am good with people. Honestly, I am finding this harder by the days. My intention has never been to upset but only to make things better, yet it seems to be getting nowhere. I ever wondered if people meant it when they said they did not care. Because whenever I say that, most of the time I do. In fact I always do. It is the weekend. But it does not seem like it is going to be a good one. Not for me. But for my loved ones. I am not unhappy. I haven't been for a while. But my heart goes out to those who are and I hope everyone will stay strong.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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