I have lost count of the number of pills I popped since three nights ago. And the nightmares. Last night's was slightly more intense. Such as getting slammed during a round of judo, and which jolted me to the waking world. But to be frank, I am not sure if all that weird dreams stuff should be taken seriously now because I do not feel too negative about things recently. My dearest J texted today to ask if I knew. That silly girl. Ever so full of righteousness when it comes to issues that involve me. I cannot thank her enough for her listening ear every time I need it. I really ought to be thankful for people like her. Let me do this slowly, I believe I can.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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