Running out.

I'm not running out of time. I'm running out of words.

To type on this space. To type on the Google search engine which I have been utilizing fully of late for my job hunt.

My friends of my batch, most of them start working next week.

My friends one year my junior in school, they start practicum next week.

Me?

I don't know. I sent out a few applications, some responded. I went for a few interviews, none responded.

Wait?

Yes of course. I am so good at waiting, am I not?

 

After four months, my fear for that interminable list has finally been lifted yesterday. After the long wait which I thought was going to bear sweet fruits, they decided not to do me any credit. I can't say I am not upset. In fact, I wanted to die.

I think I am fine not being a student anymore, but not, not leaving this place.

It was... Hard to imagine.

Somehow it was rather predictable, especially since friends around me had been wet blankets, I couldn't really bring myself to be too optimistic. BUT. In all honesty, deep inside I was actually more optimistic than pessimistic about the outcome. Yet, my positivity had failed me eventually. I couldn't shed a tear. My inferiority complex struck me so hard. I had no reason to cry because I didn't stand a high chance to begin with.

 

For an hour I think I was full of hatred for this world, for my life.

 

I don't drink. So I had to resort to other means. I got out of my house and had 11 mcnuggets. The new MacDonald's wasabi sauce got me choked and made me teary but it was definitely a lousy avenue for any frustrations. I spent the rest of the day meeting friends, laughing really loudly over the slightest jokes, eating non-stop.

 

Nothing worked.

 

Even after a singing and binging session today, my spirits remain low.

That void is too conspicuous.

I suppose my lethargy comes from trying too hard to fill it. If you ask me what can fill it now, I can't give you an answer.

I am seriously running out of words.

The nicest thing about the day was the rain.