Haze?

I thought it would be the haze outside that made people choke. Who would have thought that that inside  does the same?

 

You know that feeling? Of being driven to a corner such that you can't breathe, nor can you throw in the towel because the ring is not enclosed but an open field. You cannot battle, you cannot retaliate. Yet you cannot back off, because what's behind you is the treacherous terrain of a cliff. Then you realise you are standing at the zenith. But this word has no positive connotation at all, not the way I have learnt it. It just means you are going to fall anytime. And once you do, you shatter.

 

So, what now?

If you can't fight, and you can't raise the white flag, is there another alternative?

Perhaps I am doing just that, just that I don't even know what I'm doing.  

 

Why do I find myself struggling to live?

And I am constantly looking for every possible source of strength that I desperately need for this struggle.

I begin to wonder, is that why there are superhero movies? Is that why I am so into Marvel?

Maybe I feel stronger in the world of superheroes. Maybe I need a superhero.

 

As a matter of fact, I feel much better after watching The Avengers all over again.

 

I skipped the part when Hulk first became angry in the movie.

Simply because I am afraid of that huge transformation. Who isn't?

I was just hoping the transformation wasn't here to stay. I am so tired of being scared. Of being traumatised.

I wished someone would come and save me.

I feel helpless.

 

It's so hazy. I hope the rain will come tomorrow.

I might be able to see things better then.