aloud

This one today is likely a summary of the thoughts that I think out loud today. I'm beginning to wonder if I have gradually (and perhaps quicker than each time before) mastered the art of healing. The thoughts running through my head today were messy, but somehow I managed to sort them. Not by period nor duration, because there's no timeline concept in my head, anymore. Not by the degree of pain, because they all hurt the same. Certainly not by order of importance, because nothing matters so much anymore. I have heard that there's this dialogue between Alice and the rabbit in the famous tale Alice in Wonderland. Alice asks, "How long is forever?" The rabbit replies, "Sometimes, it's just one second." I'm not sure if people made this up because I have never read the novel (I raised the white flag after the first few pages many years ago). But I came across this a couple of times and always thought of it as something melancholic. Today I suddenly see the beauty in the idea. I never quite believed friendships would last forever, or for that matter, anything. But perhaps, having experienced that one moment that seems like eternity, should suffice. Is that right? I'm not sure if that should be the way, but at least for now, it makes me feel better thinking about it this way. You know, like everything else can seem so wrong and complicated, but your wish can be so simple, i.e., that the people you are true to will be blessed. This is something Xi shared with me some time ago. So... I think I have really done whatever I could have. The pain has persisted a long time. I decided that ultimately nothing makes me feel better than giving my sincere blessings. I only ask for the recipients to be able to feel my sincerity.

I had wanted to sing my heart out today. The karaoke best friend and I always go to was fully booked. I was pretty upset initially because my plan today was really to release all that suppressed emotions that I couldn't exactly articulate to anyone. At the bus stop I told best friend, "Do you know that for the past few weeks, even months, every thing I do, every thing I see around me, every song I listen to just makes me think of it?" He replied, "That bad?" Yes, that bad. Maybe worse. There was the bugging feeling of not knowing who to trust, and the scenes from hearsay on repeat, only in my head. I wondered if this episode was going to kill me. Because I promised myself not to bring it up but it was devouring me from the inside. Then the thought I had in January came to me. About being happy as long as the loved ones are. Even those who no longer share an affinity.

I'm going to continue to heal, I will still avoid going there at the moment. But I'm pulling myself out of this now. I'm going to live healthy. Juin Yee said to me today, "Health is priceless."

 Jiayou, dearest. You will recover.