Tuesday, again.

Last Tuesday night I shivered in bed. I did again today, outside. I had lost every ounce of strength to take a bus home I had to cab. The last time I took a cab home out of sadness was 11 January 2011. That scene is still so lucid in my head. I broke my number one rule today. And that was talking about it. By the time I was making my way home I really regretted it. Because even though the past few days weren't extremely joyous at least they were pretty peaceful. And I myself broke that peace today. Over dinner with GTL, M shared her encounters at work. I could tell she was almost on the verge of tears so I patted her on the shoulder and said don't worry you'll be fine. Who would have thought that the next moment I was the one on the verge of tears and she had to pat my shoulder and tell me I would be fine. So we are just humans after all. Our hearts can only take that much. I'm so ambivalent. On one hand I hate myself for having brought it up, yet I felt understood after telling them. I needed the pat on my shoulder. I didn't want to be pitied on, I just needed to express how accused I feel. I know, some people have been caught in the middle. I'm sorry.
And I know, some people can no longer be trusted.

I have written you a few postcards over the past few months, and I thought I should hand them to you one day when I see you. I really wanted you to know that I was sincere about things, about us. But after today, it struck me that I have been wasting time. Thank you.

You know when you are so in love with someone, that person's flawless. But when you begin to lose all that understanding, that person's just a piece of shit. I never knew I could stink this bad.

All these years of having moved on from sam, I have never seen him as a bad guy. Because all I wanted was for him to be happy anyway.
Now I think I fare pretty well in this.