There is always this surge of ambivalence when it comes to meeting people I don't see on a very frequent basis. The bad being, they tend to ask questions about your life and that you can't answer, unless of course you're ready to share every little detail without fearing for any sorts of judgement. Or you sometimes just don't trust enough to share. The good being, you just talk about superficial topics, and those usually end the group up in a roar of laughter, which you know, really makes people happy too. Now I suddenly realise conversations that are only skin-deep aren't that bad after all. They are happy pills. At least I really enjoyed my time spent with the primary school clique today. They are ever so spontaneous, a lot more than me. And I had a good catch up with M. She was my best friend in primary school and I really only came to discover last year that she is the only one who has been sending me Christmas cards every year. I'm so thankful. They really helped me forget things for a while. And they reminded me of the good old times when I did all the silly things in college. It was certainly a set of very beautiful memories. If only things could stay that simple. Then again, I have forgotten how it's like to feel what I felt. I probably won't feel the same, again.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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