Race

If life is a race, for the past three days I have been stopping and thinking of all kinds of ways to give up. And I have been wanting to regurgitate, wanting to tell the whole world this race is so pointless to me I just want to sit down in the middle of the tracks and whine and wallow in self-pity. If life is a race, for the past three days I have had great people pushing me on through the race. ZR and WW gave me calls, YX and Mic listened to me bitch. Even though I shared almost nothing, even though I just pretended my heart didn't hurt and laughed like I was the happiest person, these people really knew me inside out. I thought about it. It's just amazing. Within two point five years, I kinda had the same encounter twice. And the four people were still revolving around me. Of course, things are different this time. The hurt level was pretty much the same, or should I say worse. But. Yes BUT. My reaction was a lot calmer this time. I recalled the last time things happened. I almost went berserk. I went to bed at one a.m. and slept at five a.m. and woke up at nine a.m. I cursed and swore inside me but never got better. According to J, I took a year to recover. This time, I didn't say a word. I merely went home and sat on the big red chair and stared at the ceiling. And then when the sun set I looked out of the window (still wary of mosquitoes...). I never said a word. There was no one. I didn't know what to say. Or feel. I did swear. I slept at two a.m. I woke up still hurting. Till now I am still hurting. But I can feel myself healing. I think I am recovering, faster this time. Maybe I am beginning to realise, again. I decided I needed to be active. I rashly booked an air ticket. Then I heaved a sigh of relief. I needed that. Next thing I did was to ask Watermelon out for dinner. I needed someone there just now. She only asked me where and she appeared. I miss hanging out with her. S called and acted cute over the line. He knew nothing about me, he only meant to ask if there was a mahjong game tonight. But hearing his voice just amused me. He has always been capable of that. These days, I really appreciate phone calls. Two days ago I felt like a total idiot. Today while I hurt, I actually felt slightly good about myself. And most of the time the only thing I wanted to do was to sit at Starbucks with my two Green Tea Latte friends and bitch about life. The next thing I would really love to learn is to let go of my big fat ego and wish others happiness. I don't deny I have been a petty and narrow-minded bitch. I am trying my very best to give others my blessings. There seems to be no other way to make better sense of the current situation, so... this shall be. I am looping Ah Mei's songs again. Her songs have amazingly effective healing powers.