Today the heart aches quite a bit. It's like a once-in-a-week routine now, but paling in comparison with the previous almost-daily one. Today will be a considerably good one. Not just because I got my new toy. In fact, I think my heartache is largely attributed to that because of the price. Not just because I had a lovely evening with J, E and H. But also because my favourite lecturer LL texted and asked for a dinner tomorrow. I know that I am probably not making it to the gathering. I wished I could... But I am honestly extremely contented if I am able to organise one for him and the rest. And I know that no matter what I do or try to do, there are always those who do not appreciate or simply not understand. While I am slightly upset that that is the case, I will continue to do what I deem right. Maybe, just maybe, one day people will understand.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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