My dear teacher.

I couldn’t stop weeping at my cubicle in the staff room. There was a need to leave, to keep my mind preoccupied with something else before the other colleagues mistook that I was bullied by students. On the MRT, tears were still threatening to flow. I wiped off those tears with my hands. And repeated the action a few times. It took me much effort to suppress that feeling. I was never so good at showing that side of me, I didn’t like to make myself vulnerable. YX and I spent a good two hours at Hot Tomato. It was good to be talking about everything else but IT.

Until we came to the wake.

I looked at him. He was frowning slightly. Probably because he left in pain. The thought pains me. The tears came back. I said to him, “Thank you, you have been a great person. I hope you find happiness and joy in that other world you have gone to.” His wife told us he would probably continue to teach translation in Heaven. I believe so.

 

Before I left, I overheard her say, “No choice. I can only keep him in my memory now.”

I suppose that’s all we can do.

Lane told me, no death can be dealt with comfortably. Indeed. But I do feel a lot better after seeing him, talking to him. I guess seeing someone for the last time really matters.  And after all these grieving, I think I got to let go. Much as I am already missing him dearly.

I can’t find the words to express my pain of this huge loss. He has been an iconic figure in my life. Someone who gave me the power to apply for overseas masters in translation, something which I never thought I would have the courage to pursue. He gave me guidance, friendship and a lifetime of lessons which I tell myself I must not forget. I promised myself I must remember him and continue to see translation in a different light, even though I can never do it as well as him. He’s been a great teacher, great friend to me, and I’m sure, a great father and husband to his family. There is nothing much I can do. But hold on to the belief that he believes in. To give my best in whatever I do, regardless of the definition and parameters I have set for success.

I’m sorry I couldn’t treat you to lunch as you had asked for. But, I will be a good person. Like you always told your students.

Thank you, my dear teacher.

May you rest in peace.