A step away from home.

The interview didn't go too smoothly I guess, but I would like to think that I am going to nail it. That is how much I want to to get away from home. It has always been a dream to study or work in Hong Kong, until in recent years I often hear about the fast-paced life there and thus makes me slightly reluctant. A reason slightly more valid, I would say, is that my mum hardly agrees that I do my further studies abroad. She and her so-called conventions (I'm not saying she's wrong).

 

But.

 

I jolly well know that I am probably going to die in this house in a matter of time. Of freedom deprivation. Of emotional suppression due to disagreements.

 

I no longer scream the way I used to. It hurts my throat and does not work. No matter how loud, no one hears me anyway. Over the years, I learn to keep things in when I am at home. Sometimes I do share things with my little sis, only when she is not pulling a long face. Everyone in the house loves talking to her. She's a good listener, although never a good advisor. Somehow my mum knows this trait of mine, but she seldom asks. I wonder why. I remember telling her my scalp problem that lasted two years. She said, "See? You always keep things to yourself." I was truly taken a back then.

 

I am so used to being alone in the house. I don't talk to anyone other than the mother and the youngest sister. I sleep alone in a room I call mine. And I like it. Sometimes I feel sorry for my brother because he is the oldest among us five but he doesn't have a room of his own, and he never really asked for one. Until the girlfriend came along. It is not that I always have issues with her coming over to stay. Giving up my room for a night or two doesn't harm. I just don't like it that she often leaves her used tissue papers and contact lens solution box wrapper lying around in my room. The worst she has done is leaving her worn bikini garments on my books on the study table. And imposing on me during critical periods (like when I'm studying for major exams) can be very annoying and troublesome. I do not want to tell her about it because I do not think I could. I do not want to tell my brother about it because I don't want to make things difficult for him. I respect him, even if he thinks I don't. But he told my mum to tell me to move out. I don't really care if he meant out of the room or the house. I wished he had told me personally. I would move out if he had asked me to. 

 

I can't sleep with my mum because I am a light sleeper and they are hardly quiet in that room. The television, the phone, the conversations. When I try to voice out my dissatisfactions, my mum will tell me that I am fussy and ask me to go back to my room to sleep next time.

 

As if I can.

 

People tell me I have a big house. So what? Why is it then that I am suffocating?

 

I hate him. And I hate seeing him around the house. He does nothing all day but eat and sleep. And spouting nonsense to my sisters. I always wonder how they engage in those stupid and superficial conversations with him. I find it more provoking that they are easily amused by him. In what way are his words credible? Does he have any achievements or contributions to speak of?

 

I love my mum. But she gives me so much pressure. She wants me to further my studies. Then at the same time she asks me to apply for a job in the government sector. She asks me to get a boyfriend. And she wants me to attend my sister's birthday party when she knows my sister and I don't talk. She doesn't remember the things I say. She doesn't talk to me the way she would to my brother. She doesn't listen to the dreams I make. She just wants me to earn big bucks so that she can boast to her friends about me.

 

But I only wanted her to listen to me.

 

And so, I decided I would apply for masters studies abroad. I did. I'm already fantasizing how my life will be like when I leave this place. Truth be told, I am really apprehensive and scared. I am hardly an independent person. But I know I will learn. Because this is the price to pay for my freedom. Perhaps leaving my comfort zone will make me cherish my family more. Perhaps. But that's not what I can learn now. I just need to get my head above water. I need to breathe.

 

Breathe. 

 

It will be another month's time before I get an answer.
Till then.