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Negative feelings.

Paul Coelho said that you can't avoid pain, but you can write it out and you will feel better.
I'm just hoping there is some truth to what he says.

I'm so overwhelmed by negative feelings I really can go mad. I think I really can.

I don't even know why I am doing so many things at one go, teaching at a daycare centre, giving so many kids tuition, applying for a job at Mediacorp, going for a job interview at NUS COOP. I don't friggin know why. I want to earn money, enough for me to go overseas to study, because my mum bugs me everyday to study hard and do an honours. But the fact is, I really can't. I'm just being realistic. I don't want to set goals which are so far away. One moment she asks me to drop all my tuition kids and focus on my studies, another she tells me to find more so that I can help support the family. I don't know what is what. She compares my brother and me and I so hate that.

People have been telling me that I shouldn't have rejected the internship which Mediacorp offered me earlier. I know that! Why tell me all these when I have already rejected?! I regret now but is there anything I can do?
I got another job at Mediacorp last week and the job is so challenging that I feel damn incompetent and useless. Am I really up to it? I hate it when I doubt myself, but I can't help it.

I'm so tired of trying to keep up with everyone. I jolly well know that no one is going to understand this, but I still hope someone does. I feel so suffocated that I sleep at 3 or 4am everyday. There are so many things on my mind that I can go berserk at this rate. Don't tell me not to think so much because if I really can, I would have felt better. I just like to be alone. I don't know why I fuck my life up like this.

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