Finished watching the documentary The Morning Sun just now and I felt it was quite sad towards the end of it. As much as I am a Chinese whose roots should undeniably originate from China, the history of the Cultural Revolution didn't allow me to comprehend the generation's mindset nor sympathize with people who lost so much in the massive scale revolution. It has, however, no doubt aroused my empathy for the people whose very basic beliefs had been cruelly crushed under the emergence of a new government. Who is, or rather was, the bad guy? In today's perspective, it might just be subjective but unfortunately, it wasn't applicable the same way during that era. I can't get why the people were so full of awe and respect for the chairman but I believe like one of the men in the video mentioned, it is like young people today going after celebrities and feeling excited over a mere handshake with them. My curiosity was to the extent that I wished I was born during that time so that I can have a taste of the 'high' atmosphere whereby being involved in a revolution like this was a life's goal. How imperative or effective was the revolution? Merely for economical and cultural development? Or could it be for regime consolidation? There had been so much censorship and hidden agenda which were never meant for the people's eyes. Who are we to judge? But then again, like the lady who spoke again at the end of the video, it all boils down to nothingness eventually. All that was asked for was an intact family, mutual trust among members.
This CNY, I realised many things. I realised I have always envied families who go out as a whole for CNY visiting, or those who invite many relatives and friends over. I realised I am very afraid of the coming of CNY because CNY simply means watching movies and slacking at home for me. I love to watch movies, there is no doubt about that. Perhaps I just don't appreciate the latter because there is so much to face head-on. I hate the silence or otherwise awful hurlings at the dining table. I hate how I need to pretend to be hospitable to people I dislike. This year, I hid in my room when people I did not feel comfortable with came, then I was accused of being stubborn and impolite. Sometimes I really wonder if being myself is of imperative or being polite is. Whichever the case, I want to confess that I really feel tired and unhappy this CNY. The worst is that I feel that no one can understand because everyone I tried to rant this to tells me I should go home because it is CNY after...
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