There are 15 people in one of my modules. Yesterday, our teacher asked every one of us a question, each a different one. 14 people managed to answer his questions, the 15th one who did not is me. Thing is, I did my revision on the things he taught before going for that lesson. Still? It's a very big humiliation. I don't know why I choose to put it like this. It's just not something I can swallow down. Recently I keep thinking back on how I was always an outstanding student, at least in my college years. Yesterday Yonggee told me that when in college, everytime my name was called she would naturally think of a very capable and outstanding student. I have no intention to boast but I really felt proud of myself too. But today, I just want to be an ostrich that digs a hole in the ground and hide my head. I keep harping on wanting to find my fighting spirit back but in the process, I lost a lot of time. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really care about proving my results to people anymore. I just want an improvement. I've been working very hard on it and I hope to see a desired outcome. So much for starting to study even before the sem started, but I'm still lagging. I really wished, much as I know it may not be that necessary, that friends would show some support, because it's really all that I needed. But maybe this is too much to ask for because I set my parameters for 'support' in a way that I hope they will be in this with me together. The start of this sem makes me discover I am really not cut out to be a student. (Don't tell me no one is, because I believe there are people like these. Just not me.)
And because of such a mindset, I've reduced my committment in many aspects. I know there are people who are disappointed in me. I'm sorry but this is a choice about my life and I hope my decision is respected, even if I am not. For so long I've been leading a life trying to keep up with the people who have pinned hopes on me but that only meant I've been doing things I feel obliged to. Time for a life I want to live, even if you can't agree with.
If you are going to say things along the lines of I shouldn't be wallowing in self-pity or don't worry too much, then please don't bother. Because at this point of time, all these won't help me and I don't want to hear. You can help me by believing in me. Thank you. I am really fine. I won't go and die. I will get my degree at least.
IT'S NOT ME TO GIVE UP AND SO I WON'T.
IT'S NOT ME TO GIVE UP AND SO I WON'T.
really feel sorry for u... coz we all know u have put in so much effort in catching up... its like ive put in much effort in my project and fascinated how well will it turn out... but ended up degraded by my prof... that's life bah...
ReplyDeleteand its ur choice to choose and do wat u want, will learn to respect it. jiayou jiayou!
I guessed there are always ups and downs in one's academic life. I have been through a significant number of disappointments too which made me conclude that this equation does not exist: effort = results.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, through the occasional sense of fulfillment i derived, I also begin to realise that the equation should in fact be: effort = a chance for results.
Let's continue to take this gamble. Even if it's 十赌九输, we'll have to continue to gamble till the last win.
Jiayou!