No more reservations.
For once, I want to just say whatever I feel like saying, okay?
I feel that I'm a bottle filled with all the things I keep to myself and I think I really need to empty myself before I suffocate.
Yes, even though my blog is a private one, even though only some readers are allowed to visit, still, I have had my reservations.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of hiding from everyone, for hiding my true emotions in front of family friends etc. I'm so sick of a life like this.
I got so insane I actually thought of several ways to end my life. But yes, I AM NOT SO STUPID. Or, I don't even have the courage.
Perhaps I haven't been an expressive person. I really don't know how to articulate my feelings without being sensitive to my family or friends' feelings. I feel that I am so childish, so immature.
But I don't know why I always end up feeling hurt when I try not to hurt others.
Angie said that no matter what happens, Ohanas will always be my boost of energy. But what if Ohanas are the ones who hurt me? Many a times, I feel that they are the ones who will go through life with me cos they know me very well. But whenever I need help or at least a pillar, I don't see them around. I was really stressful about aspire camp and I really needed people to help out. And I didn't get their support when it was theirs that I wished for. Whenever I feel down, Angie and Zhi and Zi Rui will usually be the first 3 I approach but most of the time they couldn't be there to ask me to pull myself together.
I didn't feel like going for the birthday celebration they planned for me that day, because I felt like avoiding them. But I didn't want to hurt them because they seemed very sincere about it. I'm beginning to feel that I really don't belong to their clique. I'm like a sore thumb sticking out, am I not? Unconsciously, I seem to drift away from them. I used to think Ohanas make up a part of my life but now this part of my life seems to be disappearing..
I'm not sure if it's true that when something awful happens, all the unpleasant things will come together. I hate it how I'm trying to avoid Melissa now. What she said in her reply really hurt me. I didn't mean to compare myself with Candace but all these years, it's been a thorn in my heart and I never had enough courage to ask her. Yet when I finally had the courage to.. It turned out this way. There have been so many moments of silence between us and now, there are more. I just want to thrash it out with her but... I really don't know. I can't tell her now that her reply hurt me because by saying that, I will hurt her.
I'm really trying very hard to be the good guy in everyone's heart. But nothing I do is ever good enough. Like in my mother's heart, I can never be the best. I tried means and ways to make her happy but there is something about me she is not pleased with. She often says I have a very foul temper. I have to admit. But majority of the time when I throw my temper at her, it's always because she accuses me of something I didn't do and expects an apology. An apology is probably no big deal but I just want to know what I'm apologising for. Her expectations of me are higher compared to other siblings of mine, that's what my friends always tell me. Yes I can understand if that's the case. I do not blame her for that. But on my part, I just wish it isn't this way because I'm also a normal being like any of them.
At this point I think I should just stop. Cos I would just cry if I were to continue. Tomorrow I will continue to look happy and crack lame jokes, simply because that's how the normal GuoLian behaves. Silence from me will only mean I EMO. Every time I quieten down to sort out my thoughts, I am emo. No one has any idea how much I hate hearing that.
I really feel very unhappy, very hurt. No one understands, no one knows. No one even bothers to ask.
But I know. I really know, the problem lies with me. Because it's my set of thinking that brings to where I am now, but I'm sorry I don't know how to alter this mindset.
For once, I want to just say whatever I feel like saying, okay?
I feel that I'm a bottle filled with all the things I keep to myself and I think I really need to empty myself before I suffocate.
Yes, even though my blog is a private one, even though only some readers are allowed to visit, still, I have had my reservations.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of hiding from everyone, for hiding my true emotions in front of family friends etc. I'm so sick of a life like this.
I got so insane I actually thought of several ways to end my life. But yes, I AM NOT SO STUPID. Or, I don't even have the courage.
Perhaps I haven't been an expressive person. I really don't know how to articulate my feelings without being sensitive to my family or friends' feelings. I feel that I am so childish, so immature.
But I don't know why I always end up feeling hurt when I try not to hurt others.
Angie said that no matter what happens, Ohanas will always be my boost of energy. But what if Ohanas are the ones who hurt me? Many a times, I feel that they are the ones who will go through life with me cos they know me very well. But whenever I need help or at least a pillar, I don't see them around. I was really stressful about aspire camp and I really needed people to help out. And I didn't get their support when it was theirs that I wished for. Whenever I feel down, Angie and Zhi and Zi Rui will usually be the first 3 I approach but most of the time they couldn't be there to ask me to pull myself together.
I didn't feel like going for the birthday celebration they planned for me that day, because I felt like avoiding them. But I didn't want to hurt them because they seemed very sincere about it. I'm beginning to feel that I really don't belong to their clique. I'm like a sore thumb sticking out, am I not? Unconsciously, I seem to drift away from them. I used to think Ohanas make up a part of my life but now this part of my life seems to be disappearing..
I'm not sure if it's true that when something awful happens, all the unpleasant things will come together. I hate it how I'm trying to avoid Melissa now. What she said in her reply really hurt me. I didn't mean to compare myself with Candace but all these years, it's been a thorn in my heart and I never had enough courage to ask her. Yet when I finally had the courage to.. It turned out this way. There have been so many moments of silence between us and now, there are more. I just want to thrash it out with her but... I really don't know. I can't tell her now that her reply hurt me because by saying that, I will hurt her.
I'm really trying very hard to be the good guy in everyone's heart. But nothing I do is ever good enough. Like in my mother's heart, I can never be the best. I tried means and ways to make her happy but there is something about me she is not pleased with. She often says I have a very foul temper. I have to admit. But majority of the time when I throw my temper at her, it's always because she accuses me of something I didn't do and expects an apology. An apology is probably no big deal but I just want to know what I'm apologising for. Her expectations of me are higher compared to other siblings of mine, that's what my friends always tell me. Yes I can understand if that's the case. I do not blame her for that. But on my part, I just wish it isn't this way because I'm also a normal being like any of them.
At this point I think I should just stop. Cos I would just cry if I were to continue. Tomorrow I will continue to look happy and crack lame jokes, simply because that's how the normal GuoLian behaves. Silence from me will only mean I EMO. Every time I quieten down to sort out my thoughts, I am emo. No one has any idea how much I hate hearing that.
I really feel very unhappy, very hurt. No one understands, no one knows. No one even bothers to ask.
But I know. I really know, the problem lies with me. Because it's my set of thinking that brings to where I am now, but I'm sorry I don't know how to alter this mindset.
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