HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAHIL<3
9th year I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday and hopefully, I can go on and on till the end of time.
Secondary school life sucked for me but to ask me to think of what made it nice, I'll think of you.
The loud girl who asked me for my number under the big umbrella on 2003's Chinese New Year's eve.
Man, I just laughed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAI XIANG.
I was so unhappy/disappointed/angry you forgot my birthday + you lied to me for one year. Yet, I can't bring myself to deny the fact that you're always there to tell me I'm courageous and I must be strong.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS.
You've grown up and should be able to make decisions for yourself. There's nothing I can do or say already. But you know, like how Mother feels, you're always my worry.
Sorry bestie, we couldn't meet up today.
Sorry Pei Ting, Eric, Ben. We didn't start our group studying today.
Yesterday was not nice after all, especially after the one-hour nap. Everything was just going in the wrong way.
I felt my world crashing down on me.
I was asking for everything to be complete but it always had to turn out the other way and ruin my day.
Maybe like what Zhi said, I'm demanding. I always am.
Wei Wen rang up yesterday. We talked for a good long hour.
Feeling miserable, yes. But so what? I'm not making myself feel better. I'm not taking any initiative. It's a vicious cycle. I'm trapped. But I'm not bothering to find a way out.
Wei Wen said I'm not taking the first step to think about my problem and quickly solve it.
What was I to do if I don't even know the root of the problem? I didn't just spend a couple of days thinking through it. I took more than a year.
It was certainly nice to have someone in the same boat as you.
But I can see Wei Wen getting out of this dilemma while I'm still stuck, lost, suspending in the middle of the ocean.
While talking to him, I could tell he was gradually making the bend, more or less sure of what he really wants. At the same time, I was more than sure that all along, I don't know what I really want, what I'm doing.
What the future brings really seems so vague.
The thought of dropping out of school keeps coming back to haunt me.
What others always say is "Are you stupid? It's only another few more months."
Does it really mean I'm stupid because I harbour such a thought? I don't know about it myself. I really want to save myself because I'm feeling really miserable. But the more I struggle, the more I find myself drowning.
But then again, I can only be dependent on myself. There've been friends who throw me floats, but they were always of the wrong sizes. I do not blame them. In fact, I can't. There is no one I should blame. Even self-reproaching doesn't work.
All I need is the strength that helps me pull through. I keep falling down but I swear, I don't want it this way either. It's so tiring. It's draining all of me.
Skipping school is wrong. It's not as if I don't know.
I probably always say I just need some time at home to think through things and take a break. Excuses. They're all excuses.
As a matter of fact, I just want to slack. I'm lousy.
Am I so physically weak that I keep falling ill? Or is it just an emotional/mental hurdle I've got to overcome?
It feels like forever. I guess it's the price I've got to pay.
I can't wait forever.
9th year I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday and hopefully, I can go on and on till the end of time.
Secondary school life sucked for me but to ask me to think of what made it nice, I'll think of you.
The loud girl who asked me for my number under the big umbrella on 2003's Chinese New Year's eve.
Man, I just laughed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAI XIANG.
I was so unhappy/disappointed/angry you forgot my birthday + you lied to me for one year. Yet, I can't bring myself to deny the fact that you're always there to tell me I'm courageous and I must be strong.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS.
You've grown up and should be able to make decisions for yourself. There's nothing I can do or say already. But you know, like how Mother feels, you're always my worry.
Sorry bestie, we couldn't meet up today.
Sorry Pei Ting, Eric, Ben. We didn't start our group studying today.
Yesterday was not nice after all, especially after the one-hour nap. Everything was just going in the wrong way.
I felt my world crashing down on me.
I was asking for everything to be complete but it always had to turn out the other way and ruin my day.
Maybe like what Zhi said, I'm demanding. I always am.
Wei Wen rang up yesterday. We talked for a good long hour.
Feeling miserable, yes. But so what? I'm not making myself feel better. I'm not taking any initiative. It's a vicious cycle. I'm trapped. But I'm not bothering to find a way out.
Wei Wen said I'm not taking the first step to think about my problem and quickly solve it.
What was I to do if I don't even know the root of the problem? I didn't just spend a couple of days thinking through it. I took more than a year.
It was certainly nice to have someone in the same boat as you.
But I can see Wei Wen getting out of this dilemma while I'm still stuck, lost, suspending in the middle of the ocean.
While talking to him, I could tell he was gradually making the bend, more or less sure of what he really wants. At the same time, I was more than sure that all along, I don't know what I really want, what I'm doing.
What the future brings really seems so vague.
The thought of dropping out of school keeps coming back to haunt me.
What others always say is "Are you stupid? It's only another few more months."
Does it really mean I'm stupid because I harbour such a thought? I don't know about it myself. I really want to save myself because I'm feeling really miserable. But the more I struggle, the more I find myself drowning.
But then again, I can only be dependent on myself. There've been friends who throw me floats, but they were always of the wrong sizes. I do not blame them. In fact, I can't. There is no one I should blame. Even self-reproaching doesn't work.
All I need is the strength that helps me pull through. I keep falling down but I swear, I don't want it this way either. It's so tiring. It's draining all of me.
Skipping school is wrong. It's not as if I don't know.
I probably always say I just need some time at home to think through things and take a break. Excuses. They're all excuses.
As a matter of fact, I just want to slack. I'm lousy.
Am I so physically weak that I keep falling ill? Or is it just an emotional/mental hurdle I've got to overcome?
It feels like forever. I guess it's the price I've got to pay.
I can't wait forever.
It seems like I haven't seen you in school for a long time. Thanks for the note! :D Appreciated much. Stay optimistic!
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